soul above azure
love brought down for you
soul above azure
love brought down for you
I have a hard time bringing myself to write the day to day events of my life on the web. For one, I have no idea if it would interest anyone. That’s the superficial reason. The more underlying reason is that it just seems so…mundane. Not that there is anything wrong with the mundane. It’s just that to me, as I’m experiencing life, it doesn’t seem mundane at all!! It’s like there’s this dimension of experience that adds a certain flavor to life that, for me personally, is difficult to explain. I don’t know whether that’s a fault on my part as a writer, or if it’s difficult for everyone. The thing that makes it even more frusterating is that I know exactly what that different “dimension of experience” is, I just can’t describe it with clarity to make it real for anyone who’s not going through it themselves.
I will go ahead tell you what it is though, despite the risk of coming off as trite. It’s Jesus!!!
It’s as if everything I do, every small, miniscule detail, has a deeper meaning and deeper significance than I ever thought possible. I’m learning just how amazing it is to let Christ in all His awesomeness, and my relationship with him, saturate everything I do. I don’t know if others can see it, but I can feel a difference.
It’s a wonderful difference, by the way. 🙂
I feel like such a typical college student, sipping coffee in the library, being all academic and such. Leaning on God to maintain my focus, with Him I know I can finish this essay (and hopefully get some sleep tonight to boot).
Yet again, there are several other things that I should be doing right now. And it’s really too late in the evening to be putting them off like this. However, because I’m slightly stressed, my mind is wandering and not cooperating with my attempts to focus, so I think I might be better off to take a *quick* break and get my thoughts written down. Sometimes after I organize the clutter in my brain, focus comes much easier.
Here’s what I was thinking about earlier this morning:
Two weeks from today I’ll be in Arizona. I’ve never been to Arizona before.
We’re flying in order to get there. I’ve never flown before either.
We’ll be living for a week in houses with people we’ve never met before, and we’ll be spending our days either building things for their upcoming VBS, or doing other service such as helping at the houses of the congregation’s shut-ins.
So basically, the whole week will be filled to the brim with experiences I’ve never had before. I’m all up for new experiences. Some people are scared by the idea of change, or doing things they haven’t done before, but I’m not one of them. I couldn’t be more excited about this trip.
However, that doesn’t mean there are no concerns.
I can’t help but be…moved by the seriousness of our purpose. We are going to do God’s Work. It’s very humbling to think about.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m ready.
It doesn’t matter how much I grow and learn, I never seem to reach the point where I feel that I’m knowledgeable enough or worthy enough speak on behalf of God. What if I screw up? And as a shy person there is always the fear of putting myself out there, especially about something that means so much to me (especially recently). I can’t completely define the fear, but its there.
But at the same time I have this intense desire to tell the whole world how awesome He is!! What words can you even use to describe what He has done for us!?
I just pray that God will prepare my heart to be ready for whatever He has in store for me in Arizona. I hope it’s something big. 🙂
Until then, my prayer is also that he will help me survive this week. With a paper due tomorrow along with a big icky Spanish test, another paper due Wed., two tests later this week, plus readings for Bible class, I’m pretty much swamped. More so than I realized until right now actually. Great.
So now I’m off to do work. But for the most part it’s work I enjoy, and I know it’s part of God’s plan for me. If I can just give the stress to him and motivate myself to be productive, I should be good.
So, I’m sitting in the library attempting to write an essay that is due Monday. I’ve been stuggling with writer’s block, so I go off to create a blog. Make sense? Not at all.
I’ve been playing with the idea of creating a blog for some time now. I did the whole xanga thing in the early stages of high school (probably one of the most superficial things I’ve ever seen or read—for the most part. Some people wrote meaningfully. But I digress). I even began another blog this summer with the intention of writing anonymously about “issues” (whatever that means) that I felt strongly about at any given time. I built up a portfolio of a grand and amazing…one post. And that was the end of that.
I don’t want to give this blog a particularly purpose. Partially because I don’t know what the purpose will be myself. Daily reflections, maybe? A way for my family to stay updated with what’s going on with my life? I’m not sure what it will turn into. (Granted that I keep it going. I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot from the get-go through negative thinking, but I’m a busy girl, and I’m not really sure how to be honest and open on here and not reveal too much of myself. That could be a dangerous combination for the life-span of a blog.)
I just hope that whatever this blog turns out to be, that I can be real with my audience (whoever that is) and uplift them somehow. I hope they can take away something meaningful from what I have to say, even if it’s just knowing what I’m up to.
So, what am I up to? Well, for now, it’s getting back to that essay…